If you're reading this, you might be in a scary situation. Maybe you're worried about your safety or your children's safety. First, know that you're not alone, and it's not your fault. Millions of people face domestic violence, and there are people who want to help you.

A safety plan is like having a road-map for staying as safe as possible. When you have kids, that plan needs to include them too. Let's talk about how to make a plan that works for your whole family.

Why Safety Plans Matter

Domestic violence affects everyone in the house, especially children. Kids see and hear more than we think they do. Even if they're not being hurt directly, living with violence can really affect them (National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2019).

Having a plan doesn't mean you're planning to leave right away. Some people aren't ready to leave, and that's okay. A safety plan helps you stay safer whether you stay or go.

Before You Start: Keep This Information Secret

This is really important: Keep your safety plan private. Don't write it down where your abuser might find it. Don't save it on a computer or phone they might check. Instead:

• Memorize the most important parts
• Give copies to trusted friends or family members
• Use a computer at work, the library, or a friend's house
• Consider using a safety app that looks like something else on your phone

Talking to Your Children About Safety

Start Age-Appropriate Conversations

For younger children (ages 3-7):

• Use simple words they understand
• Focus on basic safety rules
• Don't give them scary details they can't handle

For older children (ages 8+):

• Be more honest about the situation
• Explain that the violence isn't their fault
• Let them ask questions

What to Tell Them

Here are some things you might say:

"Sometimes grown-ups have big feelings and don't handle them well. When [person's name] gets really angry, we need to stay safe."

"It's not your job to fix this or protect me. Your job is to stay safe."

"Nothing you did caused this to happen. This is not your fault."

Creating Your Family Safety Plan

During a Violent Episode

Teach your children:

• Go to a predetermined "safe room" (ideally one with a lock and a phone)
• Stay away from the kitchen (knives) and bathroom (small, hard surfaces)
• Don't try to stop the violence or protect you
• Call 911 if they can do it safely
• Have them memorize important phone numbers

Your role:

• Try to move to a room where your children won't see the violence
• Avoid rooms with weapons or hard surfaces
• Have a bag ready with essentials (more on this below)

Planning to Leave Safely

Leaving can be the most dangerous time. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (2023) reports that violence often escalates when someone tries to leave.

Timing matters:

• Leave when your abuser isn't home if possible
• Have a specific day and time planned
• Don't tell your children the exact plan until you're ready to go (they might accidentally say something)

Where to go:

• A domestic violence shelter
• A trusted friend or family member your abuser doesn't know about
• A hotel (pay with cash if possible)

Preparing Your Children

Practice scenarios:

• Role-play what to do during violence
• Practice the route to your safe place
• Make sure they know trusted adults they can call

Pack a bag for each child:

• Include comfort items (favorite toy, blanket)
• Important papers (birth certificates, medical records)
• Medications
• A few days' worth of clothes
• School supplies if needed

Your Emergency Bag: What to Include

Keep these items together where you can grab them quickly:

Documents:

• IDs for you and your children
• Social Security cards
• Birth certificates
• Insurance cards
• Medical records
• School records
• Immigration papers (if applicable)
• Court orders or restraining orders

Money and cards:

• Cash (your abuser can't track cash)
• Credit cards in your name only
• Checkbook

Personal items:

• Medications for you and your children
• Keys (house, car, work)
• Phone and charger
• Change of clothes
• Personal items that would be hard to replace

Building Your Support Network

Tell trusted people about your situation:

• Close friends or family members
• Your children's teachers or school counselors
• Your doctor
• Religious leaders you trust

Give them information:

• A photo of your abuser
• Your abuser's car description and license plate
• Your safety plan
• Code words that mean you need help

Working with Schools

Schools can be great allies. Talk to:

• Your child's teacher
• The school counselor
• The principal or vice principal

They can help by:

• Watching for signs that your child is struggling
• Not releasing your child to your abuser if there's a court order
• Providing counseling services
• Keeping your contact information private

Technology Safety

Abusers often use technology to track and control their victims.

Phone safety:

• Your abuser might be tracking your phone
• Consider getting a separate, secret phone
• Turn off location services
• Be careful about what you search for online

Social media:

• Don't post your location
• Be careful about who can see your posts
• Consider staying off social media temporarily

Technology safety:

• Use computers at work, the library, or a friend's house for safety planning
• Clear your browser history after every session
• Use private or incognito browsing mode
• Consider that your abuser might have installed tracking apps on your phone
• If possible, have a secret phone or email account your abuser doesn't know about

⚠️ DIGITAL SAFETY REMINDER: Clear your browser history right now if someone might check it.

If You're Not Ready to Leave

Not everyone is ready to leave right away, and that's completely okay. There are many reasons why someone might not be ready: financial concerns, fear for their children's stability, immigration status, religious or cultural beliefs, or simply not feeling emotionally ready. Your timeline is your own, and you know your situation best.

You can still work on safety while staying:

Create daily safety routines:

• Identify safe areas in your home (rooms with locks, phones, and exits)
• Keep your phone charged and accessible
• Have a code word with friends or family that means "call for help"
• Teach your children the safety rules without frightening them
• Know your abuser's patterns and warning signs of escalation
• Keep some cash hidden in a safe place
• Have important phone numbers memorized

Document the abuse safely:

• Take photos of injuries (store them with a trusted friend or in a secure cloud account your abuser can't access)
• Keep a journal with dates and details (hide it extremely well or keep it with someone you trust)
• Save threatening messages, emails, or voicemails
• Get medical attention when needed (creates official records and ensures your health)
• Tell trusted friends or family what's happening (they can be witnesses)

Build your support network gradually:

• Identify trusted people who can help in an emergency
• Connect with a domestic violence counselor or hotline for ongoing support
• Consider joining a support group (many are available online or by phone)
• Let your children's teachers know there are problems at home (they're often trained to help)

Strengthen your independence when possible:

• Learn new skills that build confidence
• Keep your own bank account if you can do so safely
• Maintain connections with friends and family
• Know your legal rights

Remember: Working on safety while staying is still protecting yourself and your children. Every small step you take toward safety matters.

Getting Help and Support

24/7 Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

• Free, confidential, 24/7
• Available in multiple languages
• Can help with safety planning

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

• Free, 24/7 crisis support
• Good if you can't talk out loud

National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

• If you're worried about your children's safety

Local Resources

• Domestic violence shelters
• Legal aid organizations
• Counseling services
• Support groups
• Food banks and other assistance programs

Taking Care of Your Children's Mental Health

Living with domestic violence is traumatic for children. Watch for signs they might need extra help:

Signs to watch for:

• Changes in behavior or mood
• Problems at school
• Trouble sleeping or nightmares
• Regression (acting younger than their age)
• Aggression or withdrawal

Getting help:

• Talk to their pediatrician
• Contact the school counselor
• Look into child therapy services
• Consider support groups for children

Remember: You're Stronger Than You Know

Making a safety plan takes courage. Protecting your children takes strength. You're already doing something incredibly brave by thinking about safety and making a plan.

Important reminders:

• The abuse is not your fault
• Your children's safety matters, and so does yours
• You don't have to figure this out alone
• There are people who want to help
• You deserve to be safe and happy

Every situation is different, so your safety plan should fit your specific needs. The most important thing is to start thinking about safety and to know that help is available when you're ready.

If you're in immediate danger, call 911. If you need to talk to someone right now, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You don't have to go through this alone.

References

National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2019). Child trauma toolkit for families. https://www.nctsn.org/resources/child-trauma-toolkit-families

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023). Safety planning. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/

Office for Victims of Crime. (2021). Safety planning with children and teens. U.S. Department of Justice. https://www.ovc.gov/pubs/

The National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. (2022). Creating safety plans: A guide for advocates. https://www.ncdsv.org