Safety Planning: DV Victims Who Live with their Abuser

Building Your Physical Safety Plan

• Practice safe exit routes from your home at different times of day. Map out multiple paths—through doors, windows, or other exits. If you have children, this can be framed as a "family emergency drill" to keep them calm while ensuring they know how to leave quickly. Practice when things are calm so the routes become second nature. 
• Learning basic self-defense can help you feel more confident and empowered, even if you never need to use it. Look for classes specifically designed for survivors at community centers, women's shelters, or through local domestic violence organizations. Many offer free or sliding-scale programs and understand the unique needs of people in your situation.
• Develop your "reasons to leave" list. Think of believable excuses for different times of day or night—grocery shopping, taking kids to the park, visiting a sick friend, going for a walk. Having these ready reduces the stress of needing to think quickly when tensions are rising.
• Learn to recognize warning signs that violence might be about to happen. Your abuser may have patterns—certain facial expressions, behaviors, times of day, or triggers that precede violent episodes. Trusting your instincts about these signs can give you precious time to get to safety.

Staying Connected and Supported

• Keep a phone accessible whenever possible. If you don't have your own phone, identify where phones are located in your home, workplace, or neighborhood. Store important numbers like 911 and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) under different contact names for privacy—perhaps as "Doctor Smith" or "Sarah's Work."
• Build a support network with trusted friends, family members, neighbors, coworkers, or community members. You don't have to face this alone. Share as much or as little as feels safe, but let them know you might need help. Create simple signals—like flashing your porch lights three times, hanging a specific item in your window, or sending a particular text message—that let them know when you need immediate help.
• Connect with understanding voices regularly. Even if you're not ready to leave, calling a domestic violence hotline can provide you with emotional support, practical advice, and help you explore your options at your own pace. These conversations are confidential, and the counselors understand exactly what you're going through.

Consider telling trusted individuals at work about your situation. They might be able to help screen your calls, provide a safe place during the day, or be alert to any concerning behavior if your abuser shows up at your workplace.

Preparing Important Resources

• Gather essential documents when it's safe to do so. Keep copies in a safe place outside your home—with a trusted friend, in a safety deposit box, or hidden in your car. Essential items include:
• Birth certificates for you and your children
• Social Security cards
• Driver's licenses or state IDs
• Passports or immigration papers
• Insurance policies and cards
• Bank account information
• Lease/mortgage documents
• Medical records and prescription information
• School records for children
• Legal documents (restraining orders, custody papers, marriage certificate)
• Set aside emergency money if possible, even if it's just small amounts over time. Keep cash hidden safely or open a separate bank account at a different institution. Consider asking trusted friends or family to hold money for you.
• Pack an emergency bag and keep it hidden somewhere safe—at a friend's house, in your car trunk, or at work. Include changes of clothes, basic toiletries, important phone numbers, copies of documents, any necessary medications, and comfort items for children.

Age-Appropriate Safety Planning

• For younger children (ages 3-7):
• Teach them their full name, your name, and how to call 911
• Choose a simple code word like "picnic" that means they should go to the safe room or neighbor's house
• Practice the safety plan as a game so it doesn't frighten them
• Reassure them often that they are loved and safe
• For school-age children (ages 8-12):
• Explain the safety plan more clearly while emphasizing it's not their job to protect anyone
• Teach them to recognize warning signs that violence might happen
• Help them identify trusted adults at school they can talk to
• Give them more specific instructions about when and how to call for help
• For teenagers (ages 13+):
• Have honest conversations about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
• Teach them about the cycle of violence and that it's not normal
• Help them develop their own safety strategies
• Encourage them to maintain relationships with trusted friends and adults
• Discuss how domestic violence might affect their own future relationships

• Creating Family Safety Strategies

  • Establish a family code word or signal that means immediate danger. When children hear this word, they know to follow the safety plan immediately without questions.
  • Identify safe rooms in your home where children can go during violence—preferably rooms with locks and phones. If your children are too young to leave the house or if leaving isn't safe, teach them to go to these rooms and stay there until it's safe.
  • Practice the safety plan regularly when things are calm. Make it feel routine rather than scary. Children need to know these steps by heart so they can act quickly if needed.
  • Create safety plans for different scenarios:
  • What to do if violence happens during the day vs. night
  • What to do if you're all together vs. if children are alone with the abuser
  • What to do if they're at school and something happens at home

Supporting Your Children Emotionally

• Remind your children regularly that violence is never okay, no matter who is being violent. Help them understand that what's happening isn't their fault, your fault, or something they can fix.
• Reassure them that their most important job is to stay safe, not to protect you or anyone else. Children often feel responsible for stopping violence, so emphasize that adults should handle adult problems.
• Maintain as much normalcy as possible in their daily lives. Keep up with school activities, friendships, and hobbies when it's safe to do so.
• Watch for signs that children are being affected by the violence—changes in behavior, grades, sleep patterns, or social interactions. Consider counseling specifically designed for children who have witnessed domestic violence.
• Teach them about healthy relationships by modeling respect, kindness, and good communication when possible. Help them understand what love should look like.