Have you ever felt like you were going crazy in a relationship? Do you find yourself constantly apologizing, even when you don't know what you did wrong? You might be experiencing something called gaslighting. This form of psychological abuse affects millions of people every year, and it can happen to anyone.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (2023), gaslighting is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse. It makes victims question their own thoughts, memories, and feelings. The good news is that once you know what to look for, you can protect yourself and get help.

This article will teach you exactly what gaslighting is and give you 10 clear warning signs. You'll also learn why it works and what you can do if you recognize these signs in your own life. Remember, if this is happening to you, it's not your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

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What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting gets its name from a 1938 play called "Gas Light." In the play, a husband slowly makes his wife think she's going crazy by dimming the gas lights in their house and then telling her she's imagining things when she notices the change (Stern, 2018).

Today, gaslighting means making someone question their own reality. It's a form of psychological abuse where one person tries to control another by making them doubt their memories, feelings, and perceptions. The person doing the gaslighting wants power and control over their victim.

Gaslighting is different from normal disagreements or arguments. In healthy relationships, people can disagree without making the other person feel crazy. But gaslighting is meant to confuse and control you. It makes you depend on the abuser to tell you what's "real" or "true."

Here's what makes gaslighting so harmful: it happens slowly over time. At first, you might just think you made a mistake or remembered something wrong. But as it continues, you start to doubt yourself more and more. Eventually, you might feel like you can't trust your own thoughts or feelings.

Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship. It might be a boyfriend or girlfriend, a spouse, a parent, a boss, or even a friend. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (2023) reports that gaslighting appears in about 74% of abusive relationships.

People who gaslight others often do it because they want to feel powerful. They might be afraid of taking responsibility for their actions, so they make you think you're the problem instead. Some people learned this behavior from their own families or past relationships.

The most important thing to remember is that gaslighting is never okay. No one has the right to make you question your own reality. If someone truly cares about you, they will listen to your concerns and treat your feelings with respect.

The 10 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

1. You Constantly Question Your Memory

What it looks like: You find yourself saying things like "Did that really happen?" or "Maybe I'm remembering it wrong" all the time. You second-guess your memory of conversations, events, or promises that were made.

Real example: Your partner promises to pick you up from work at 5 PM. When 6 PM comes and they haven't shown up, you call them. They say, "I never said 5 PM. You must be confused. I said 6 PM." Even though you clearly remember them saying 5 PM, you start to doubt yourself.

Why this happens: The gaslighter wants you to stop trusting your own memory so you'll depend on their version of events instead. Over time, this makes you feel less confident about what really happened.

Red flag phrases: "That never happened," "You're remembering it wrong," "I never said that," "You're making things up."

2. They Deny Things That Definitely Happened

What it looks like: The person completely denies saying or doing things that you know happened. They act like you're making it up or going crazy for even suggesting it occurred.

Real example: Your friend calls you names during an argument. The next day, when you bring it up, they say, "I would never call you that. You're being dramatic. That conversation never happened." But you remember it clearly because it hurt your feelings so much.

Why this happens: By denying reality, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They also make you question what's real, which gives them more control over you.

What to watch for: Complete denial of events, especially ones that were hurtful or important to you. They might even act shocked that you would "make up" such a story.

3. You Apologize Constantly

What it looks like: You find yourself saying "I'm sorry" multiple times a day, even for things that aren't your fault. You apologize for your feelings, your thoughts, and sometimes for things you didn't even do.

Real example: You're upset because your partner was two hours late for your date. Instead of apologizing for being late, they get angry at you for being upset. You end up saying, "I'm sorry for overreacting. I should be more understanding."

Why this happens: Gaslighters often turn situations around to make you feel like you're the problem. They make you feel guilty for having normal reactions to their bad behavior.

Warning signs: You apologize for having feelings, for asking questions, for needing things, or for things that clearly aren't your fault.

4. They Call You "Too Sensitive"

What it looks like: Whenever you express hurt feelings or concerns, they tell you that you're being "too sensitive," "dramatic," or "emotional." They make it seem like your feelings are wrong or silly.

Real example: Your boss makes a joke about your appearance in front of coworkers, and it embarrasses you. When you tell them it hurt your feelings, they say, "You're being way too sensitive. It was just a joke. You need to lighten up."

Why this happens: This is called emotional invalidation. By telling you that your feelings are wrong, they avoid having to change their behavior or apologize. It also makes you doubt whether your emotions are reasonable.

Red flag phrases: "You're too sensitive," "You're being dramatic," "It was just a joke," "You're overreacting," "You're too emotional."

5. You Feel Confused About Reality

What it looks like: You often feel unsure about what really happened or whether your feelings are justified. You might feel like you're losing your mind or that you can't think clearly.

Real example: Your parent tells you that a family argument never happened, even though you remember it clearly. They describe a completely different version of events. You start to wonder if you're remembering it wrong or if there's something wrong with your brain.

Why this happens: Constant gaslighting makes your brain work overtime trying to figure out what's real. This mental exhaustion can make you feel confused and foggy.

What you might notice: Difficulty making decisions, feeling unsure about your own thoughts, wondering if you're "going crazy," or feeling like your brain isn't working right.

6. They Isolate You from Support Systems

What it looks like: The person tries to separate you from friends, family, or other people who care about you. They might say negative things about these people or make it hard for you to spend time with them.

Real example: Your partner says things like, "Your friends don't really care about you like I do," or "Your family is toxic. You shouldn't talk to them so much." They might also start fights right before you're supposed to see friends or family.

Why this happens: Other people might notice the gaslighting and point it out to you. The gaslighter wants to cut off these reality checks so they can control your perception of what's normal.

Warning signs: They criticize your loved ones, make you feel guilty for spending time with others, or create drama when you have plans with friends or family.

7. You Make Excuses for Their Behavior

What it looks like: You find yourself constantly defending the person who's gaslighting you, even when they treat you badly. You make up reasons for why they act the way they do.

Real example: Your friend is consistently mean to you in front of others, but you tell people, "They're just stressed from work," or "They don't really mean it. They've been having a hard time lately."

Why this happens: It's easier to make excuses than to admit that someone you care about is treating you badly. Making excuses also helps you avoid the scary thought that you might need to change the relationship.

What to watch for: You frequently explain away their bad behavior, you minimize how their actions affect you, or you blame their behavior on external factors like stress or their past.

8. They Withhold Information Then Claim You "Forgot"

What it looks like: The person doesn't tell you important information, then later acts like they told you and you just forgot. They make you feel irresponsible or scatterbrained.

Real example: Your roommate doesn't tell you that rent is due a day early this month. When you don't pay on time, they say, "I told you about this weeks ago. You never listen. This is why you can't keep track of anything."

Why this happens: This creates a pattern where you feel like you can't trust your own memory or ability to handle responsibilities. It makes you more dependent on them for information.

Red flags: They "forget" to tell you important things, then blame you for not knowing. They act like your memory is unreliable when theirs is actually the problem.

9. You Feel Like You're "Walking on Eggshells"

What it looks like: You constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. You feel anxious around this person and carefully watch their mood to avoid setting them off.

Real example: You notice that your parent gets angry when you ask about family plans, so you stop asking. You start paying close attention to their tone of voice and facial expressions, trying to predict their mood before you say anything.

Why this happens: Gaslighters often have unpredictable reactions that don't match the situation. This keeps you in a state of anxiety, always trying to avoid their anger or disappointment.

What you might notice: You feel nervous around them, you change your behavior to avoid conflict, you're always trying to read their mood, or you feel like you can't be yourself.

10. They Use Your Insecurities Against You

What it looks like: The person brings up things you're sensitive about during arguments or uses your fears and weaknesses to hurt you or win disagreements.

Real example: You tell your partner that you're insecure about your weight. Later, during an argument about something completely different, they say, "No wonder you're upset. You probably haven't eaten all day. You're always obsessing about food."

Why this happens: They use personal information as a weapon to distract from the real issue and make you feel bad about yourself. This gives them power in the relationship.

Warning signs: They bring up your insecurities during fights, they use secrets you shared against you, or they attack things they know you're sensitive about.

Why Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting is effective because it attacks something very basic about being human: our need to trust our own thoughts and feelings. When someone constantly tells us we're wrong about our own experiences, it creates confusion and self-doubt.

According to psychologist Dr. Robin Stern (2018), gaslighting works because it happens gradually. It doesn't start with big, obvious lies. Instead, it begins with small things that make you question yourself just a little bit. Over time, these small doubts add up to big confusion about reality.

Our brains are also wired to trust people we care about. When someone we love tells us we're wrong about something, we naturally want to believe them. This is especially true in close relationships where we depend on the other person for emotional support.

Gaslighting also creates something called "trauma bonding." This happens when the same person who hurts you also comforts you. After making you feel confused and upset, the gaslighter might be extra nice to you. This creates a cycle where you become more attached to them, even though they're the source of your pain.

The constant stress of questioning your own reality is exhausting. When you're tired and confused, it becomes easier to just accept what the other person tells you rather than trust yourself. This is why gaslighting can be so powerful and why it's important to recognize it early.

What to Do If You Recognize These Signs

If you recognize several of these warning signs in your own life, here are some steps you can take to protect yourself:

Trust Your Gut: Your feelings and memories are valid. If something doesn't feel right, pay attention to that feeling. You know yourself better than anyone else does.

Document What Happens: Keep a private journal of incidents that confuse you or make you feel bad. Write down what happened, when it happened, and how it made you feel. This can help you see patterns and trust your own memory.

Stay Connected with Others: Don't let anyone isolate you from friends and family. These people can provide reality checks and support when you need them most. If someone tries to turn you against your support system, that's a major red flag.

Set Boundaries: You have the right to your own thoughts and feelings. Practice saying things like, "I remember it differently," or "I don't agree with that." You don't have to argue or prove your point, but you can state your truth.

Seek Professional Help: Therapists who understand emotional abuse can help you process what's happening and develop coping strategies. Many offer sliding scale fees or accept insurance.

Know Your Resources: The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers free, confidential support 24/7. They also have an online chat option if calling isn't safe for you.

Make a Safety Plan: If you're in a relationship with someone who gaslights you, think about how to stay safe. This might include having money saved, knowing where to go if you need to leave, and having important documents ready.

Be Patient with Yourself: Healing from gaslighting takes time. You might feel confused or doubt yourself even after the gaslighting stops. This is normal, and it will get better with time and support.

Conclusion

Gaslighting is a serious form of psychological abuse that can happen to anyone. It makes people question their own reality and can cause lasting damage to self-esteem and mental health. However, by learning to recognize the warning signs, you can protect yourself and get help if needed.

Remember these key points: gaslighting happens gradually, it's designed to give the abuser power and control, and it's never your fault if it happens to you. Your thoughts, feelings, and memories are valid. You deserve relationships where people treat you with respect and kindness.

If you recognize these signs in your own life, know that help is available. You don't have to figure this out alone. Trusted friends, family members, counselors, and domestic violence organizations can provide support and guidance.

Recovery from gaslighting is possible. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can rebuild trust in yourself and form healthier relationships. You are stronger than you know, and you deserve to live free from manipulation and abuse.

Emergency Resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
• Online chat: thehotline.org

Remember: If you are in immediate physical danger, call 911.

References

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023). What is gaslighting? Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/

Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life. Harmony Books.

Author Note

This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. If you are experiencing domestic violence or emotional abuse, please reach out to a qualified professional or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.

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