⚠️ Content Warning

This article discusses emotional abuse, which may be upsetting. Take breaks if you need them. Crisis help is available 24/7 at 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or 1-800-799-7233 (Domestic Violence Hotline).

What Is Emotional Abuse? (Clear Definition)

Emotional abuse = A pattern of behaviors designed to control you and make you feel bad about yourself

Key Points:

• It happens repeatedly (not just once or twice)
• The person doing it wants to control you
• It makes you feel confused, scared, or worthless
• It gets worse over time

This is NOT emotional abuse:

• Someone having a bad day and snapping at you once
• Fair criticism about specific behaviors
• Disagreeing with your opinion
• Asking you to compromise in a relationship
• Someone not understanding your neurodivergent traits (unless they refuse to learn)

Part 1: Verbal and Emotional Attacks

🚩 Red Flag: Constant Criticism About Who You Are

What it looks like:

• "You're so weird/stupid/useless"
• "Normal people don't act like that"
• "Your autism/ADHD is just an excuse"
• "No one else would put up with you"
• "You're broken and need to be fixed"

What makes this abuse:

• They attack your identity, not specific behaviors
• They target your neurodivergent traits specifically
• They say it repeatedly
• They refuse to stop when you ask them to

✅ Action Steps:

1. Write down these comments when they happen
2. Notice if there's a pattern
3. Tell someone you trust what's being said to you
4. Remember: Your neurodivergence is not a flaw

🚩 Red Flag: Mocking Your Communication Style

What it looks like:

• Making fun of how you speak (monotone, too fast, too slow)
• Imitating your stims in a mean way
• Calling your special interests "obsessions" in a dismissive way
• Laughing at your sensory needs
• Saying you're "acting autistic" as an insult

✅ Action Steps:

1. Say clearly: "Stop making fun of how I communicate"
2. If they continue, this is a major red flag
3. Find people who accept your communication style
4. Trust that you deserve respect

Part 2: Control and Isolation

🚩 Red Flag: Controlling Your Support Systems

What it looks like:

• Stopping you from seeing your therapist/support group
• "You don't need those disability accommodations"
• Badmouthing your neurodivergent friends
• Preventing you from going to autism/ADHD support groups
• Reading your private messages with supportive people

Why this is especially harmful to neurodivergent people:

• You may have fewer close relationships
• Your support systems are often crucial for managing daily life
• Losing connections can be devastating

✅ Action Steps:

1. Protect your support contacts: Keep important phone numbers in a safe place
2. Meet support people secretly if needed: Video calls when the person isn't home
3. Tell your therapist/support group what's happening
4. Know this is not normal: Healthy partners support your need for help

🚩 Red Flag: Exploiting Your Social Difficulties

What it looks like:

• "No one else likes you anyway"
• Using your social anxiety to keep you home
• Telling you that you "misunderstood" social situations (when you didn't)
• Convincing you that they're your only real friend
• Making you doubt your ability to read social cues

✅ Action Steps:

1. Get outside perspective: Ask someone else what they think about situations
2. Trust your feelings: If something feels wrong, it probably is
3. Practice social skills independently: Don't rely only on their interpretation
4. Build other relationships slowly: Even one other trusted person helps

Part 3: Gaslighting and Reality Distortion

🚩 Red Flag: Making You Question Your Memory and Perception

What it looks like:

• "That never happened"
• "You're remembering it wrong because of your ADHD"
• "Your autism makes you confused about social situations"
• "You're being too sensitive"
• Denying they said hurtful things

Why this targets neurodivergent people:

• We may already doubt our perceptions
• We might have memory differences
• We may struggle with social context
• We might mask our reactions, making it easier to deny

✅ Action Steps:

1. Start documenting: Write down important conversations and events
2. Use your phone: Record conversations if legal in your area
3. Save text messages: Screenshot important exchanges
4. Check with others: "Did you hear them say ___?"
5. Trust your experience: Your memory might be different, but your feelings are real

🚩 Red Flag: Using Your Diagnosis Against You

What it looks like:

• "You're just having an autistic meltdown"
• "Your ADHD makes you overreact"
• "You can't trust your own feelings because you're neurodivergent"
• "The doctor was wrong about your diagnosis"
• "You're using your disability as an excuse"

✅ Action Steps:

1. Learn about your condition: Knowledge protects you from misinformation
2. Connect with other neurodivergent people: They'll validate your experiences
3. Set a boundary: "My diagnosis doesn't make my feelings invalid"
4. Document these comments: This is disability discrimination

Part 4: Financial and Practical Control

🚩 Red Flag: Controlling Your Independence

What it looks like:

• Hiding your important documents (ID, social security card)
• Controlling your disability benefits or paychecks
• Preventing you from learning life skills
• "You can't handle money because of your ADHD"
• Making you depend on them for transportation/communication

Why this targets neurodivergent people:

• We may need more time to learn independent living skills
• We might receive disability benefits
• We may struggle with executive function tasks
• Society often underestimates our capabilities

✅ Action Steps:

1. Secure your documents: Keep copies somewhere safe
2. Learn one new skill at a time: Even small steps toward independence help
3. Know your rights: Research disability benefits and workplace accommodations
4. Find practical support: From people who respect your autonomy
5. Make your own bank account: If you don't have one already

Part 5: How Abuse Affects You

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Abuse Effects:

Emotional signs:

• Feeling like you're "walking on eggshells"
• Constantly worrying about doing something wrong
• Feeling more confused about social situations than usual
• Doubting your own reactions and feelings
• Feeling like your neurodivergent traits are shameful

Physical signs:

• More meltdowns or shutdowns than usual
• Changes in sleep or eating
• Increased stimming or self-soothing behaviors
• Headaches or stomach problems
• Feeling exhausted all the time

Social signs:

• Avoiding friends and family
• Feeling like you can't trust anyone
• Becoming more isolated
• Losing interest in your special interests or hobbies

✅ Action Steps:

1. Notice these changes: They're your body/brain telling you something is wrong
2. Don't blame yourself: Abuse causes these reactions
3. Talk to a professional: Therapist, doctor, or counselor
4. Reconnect with safe activities: Things that bring you joy and comfort

Part 6: Getting Help - Step by Step

Step 1: Recognize That This Is Not Your Fault

• Abuse happens because of the abuser's choices
• Your neurodivergent traits do not cause abuse
• You deserve relationships that celebrate your differences

Step 2: Document What's Happening

Safe ways to keep records:

• Email yourself details to an account they don't know about
• Use a password-protected note app on your phone
• Tell a trusted friend and ask them to remember
• Take photos of any written evidence

Step 3: Build Your Support Team

Who can help:

• Trusted family member or friend
• Therapist or counselor (especially one who understands neurodivergence)
• Disability advocate
• Support group for neurodivergent adults
• Crisis hotline counselors

Step 4: Create a Safety Plan

Include:

• Safe places you can go
• Important phone numbers
• Copies of important documents
• Money or cards they don't control
• Medications you need
• Comfort items (fidgets, weighted blanket, etc.)

Safety planning for neurodivergent individuals should include considerations for sensory needs, communication supports, and disability-specific resources (Plummer & Findley, 2012; Wilson et al., 2014).

Step 5: Know When to Get Help Immediately

Call 911 or go to emergency room if:

• You're threatened with physical harm
• You feel like hurting yourself
• You're prevented from leaving when you want to
• Your medications are taken away
• You feel like you're in immediate danger

Scripts: What to Say

To Set Boundaries:

• "Stop commenting on my autism/ADHD."
• "I need you to respect my communication style."
• "That comment was hurtful. Please don't say it again."
• "My diagnosis doesn't make my feelings wrong."

To Get Help:

• "I think my partner might be emotionally abusing me."
• "Someone is using my disability against me."
• "I need help figuring out if my relationship is healthy."
• "I'm neurodivergent and someone is exploiting that."

To Trusted People:

• "Can you help me figure out if this situation is normal?"
• "I need someone to validate my experience."
• "Will you help me make a safety plan?"

Resources Specifically for Neurodivergent People

Crisis Numbers (Call or Text):

• 988 - Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
• 1-800-799-7233 - National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Text HOME to 741741 - Crisis Text Line

Online Resources:

• Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network (AWN) - Resources on abuse in autistic community
• ADHD Foundation - Support and advocacy
• Disability Rights Legal Centers - Know your rights
• National Council on Independent Living - Advocacy and support

What to Look for in a Therapist:

• Experience with neurodivergent adults
• Trauma-informed care
• Understands disability discrimination
• Doesn't try to "cure" your neurodivergence

Remember These Important Facts

✅ You deserve relationships that accept all of you

✅ Abuse is never your fault

✅ Your feelings and experiences are valid

✅ Help is available

✅ You have the right to be safe and respected

✅ Recovery is possible

Final Action Step:

Save this information somewhere safe. Share it with someone you trust. You don't have to face this alone.