Important truth: If something feels wrong in your relationship, it probably is.

This article will help you:

• Understand what gaslighting looks like in relationships
• Learn how to respond when it happens
• Find ways to protect yourself
• Know where to get help

Take your time reading this. You can stop and come back anytime.

What Is Gaslighting in Relationships?

Gaslighting in relationships happens when your partner makes you question your own thoughts, feelings, and memories.

Simple Definition

Gaslighting = Making you think you're crazy or wrong about things you know are true.

Why Partners Do This

Your partner might gaslight you to:

• Avoid taking responsibility for their actions
• Keep control over you
• Win arguments without actually being right
• Make you depend on them more

Important to Know

• Gaslighting is never your fault
• It's a choice your partner makes
• It's not because of stress, work, or other problems
• It's emotional abuse

How Common Is Gaslighting?

Research shows:

• 74% of people in abusive relationships experience gaslighting (National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2023)
• It can happen in any type of relationship
• It affects people of all ages, backgrounds, and genders
• It often gets worse over time if not addressed

You should know: If this is happening to you, many other people understand what you're going through.

Recognizing Gaslighting: The Obvious Signs

These signs are easier to spot:

1. Direct Denial

What they say:

• "That never happened"
• "I never said that"
• "You're making it up"
• "That's not how it happened"

Example: You clearly remember them promising to help with something important. When you bring it up, they insist they never made that promise.

2. Calling You Names Related to Your Mind

What they say:

• "You're crazy"
• "You're losing it"
• "You're being paranoid"
• "Something's wrong with you"

Example: When you express concern about their behavior, they say you're "acting crazy" instead of listening to your concerns.

3. Turning Things Around on You

What happens:

• You bring up a problem with their behavior
• They make it about something you did wrong
• Suddenly you're defending yourself instead of discussing the original issue

Example: You're upset they were flirting with someone else. They respond by saying you're "too jealous" and "controlling."

Recognizing Gaslighting: The Subtle Signs

These are harder to notice but just as harmful:

1. Questioning Your Memory

What they do:

• Act confused when you remember events differently
• Suggest you "misunderstood" what happened
• Make you feel like your memory is unreliable

Red flag: You start writing things down because you don't trust your own memory anymore.

2. Minimizing Your Feelings

What they say:

• "You're being too sensitive"
• "It's not that big of a deal"
• "You're overreacting"
• "You're being dramatic"

How you feel: Like your emotions don't matter or aren't valid.

3. Withholding Information

What they do:

• Don't tell you important things
• Act like they told you when they didn't
• Make you feel scatterbrained or irresponsible

Example: They don't mention their ex will be at a party, then act like they told you and you forgot.

How Gaslighting Shows Up in Different Situations

During Arguments

What happens:

• They change the subject when losing
• They bring up your past mistakes
• They deny saying hurtful things
• They claim you're "attacking" them when you express concerns

Your experience: Arguments never get resolved, and you often end up apologizing.

Around Friends and Family

What they do:

• Act differently in public than in private
• Contradict you in front of others
• Make jokes at your expense then say you "can't take a joke"
• Tell others you're "sensitive" or "difficult"

Your experience: You feel embarrassed and start avoiding social situations.

About Past Events

What happens:

• They remember events completely differently
• They insist their version is correct
• They make you doubt what you experienced
• They get angry when you disagree with their version

Your experience: You start questioning your own memory and experiences.

About Your Emotions

What they say:

• Your feelings are wrong or inappropriate
• You shouldn't feel the way you do
• Your emotions are the problem, not their behavior
• You need to "get over" things too quickly

Your experience: You stop trusting your own emotional reactions.

Understanding Why Partners Gaslight

Understanding why doesn't make it okay, but it can help you see it's not about you.

To Avoid Responsibility

• It's easier to make you question yourself than to admit they were wrong
• They don't want to apologize or change their behavior
• They want to win arguments without actually addressing the issues

To Maintain Control

• Making you doubt yourself keeps you dependent on them
• If you don't trust your own judgment, you'll rely on theirs
• It prevents you from making decisions they don't like

Learned Behavior

• They might have grown up in a family where this was normal
• They may have been in relationships where this happened
• They might not realize how harmful it is (but this doesn't excuse it)

Personality Issues

• Some people have personality disorders that make them manipulative
• They might be narcissistic or have control issues
• They may feel threatened by your independence

Remember: None of these reasons make gaslighting acceptable or your fault.

How Gaslighting Affects Your Life

Emotional Effects

You might feel:

• Confused and uncertain
• Anxious and worried
• Sad and hopeless
• Angry but guilty about being angry
• Like you're "going crazy"

Mental Effects

You might notice:

• Trouble making decisions
• Constantly second-guessing yourself
• Difficulty concentrating
• Memory problems
• Trouble trusting your own thoughts

Behavioral Changes

You might find yourself:

• Apologizing constantly
• Walking on eggshells
• Avoiding bringing up problems
• Isolating from friends and family
• Changing your behavior to avoid conflict

Physical Effects

Stress from gaslighting can cause:

• Headaches
• Trouble sleeping
• Stomach problems
• Feeling tired all the time
• Getting sick more often

Important: These effects are normal responses to abnormal treatment.

⚠️ SAFETY NOTE: If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you need to leave this page quickly, press the ESC key twice or click your browser's back button. Consider using private browsing mode when reading about abuse.

How to Respond to Gaslighting: Immediate Strategies

Stay Calm

Why this helps:

• Gaslighters often try to make you emotional to "prove" you're unstable
• Staying calm helps you think more clearly
• It prevents the situation from escalating

How to do it:

• Take deep breaths
• Count to 10 before responding
• Step away if you need a moment

Don't Try to Convince Them

Why this matters:

• Gaslighters aren't interested in the truth
• Arguing gives them more opportunities to manipulate you
• You'll just get more frustrated

What to do instead:

• State your truth once and stop
• Don't provide "evidence" for your own experiences
• Remember: you don't need their permission to trust yourself

Use Simple Responses

Phrases that work:

• "I remember it differently"
• "That's not my experience"
• "I disagree"
• "I need to think about this"
• "We see this differently"

Why these work: They state your truth without starting an argument.

Protective Strategies: Keeping Yourself Safe

Document Everything

What to write down:

• Date and time of incidents
• What was said or done
• How it made you feel
• Any witnesses present

How to do it safely:

• Use a private journal or phone notes with a password
• Store information somewhere they can't access
• Consider emailing details to a trusted friend

Create a Support Network

Who to include:

• Friends who listen without judgment
• Family members who support you
• Counselors or therapists
• Domestic violence advocates

Why this matters: Other people can provide reality checks and remind you of the truth.

Trust Your Gut

Remember:

• Your feelings are valid
• Your memories are real
• Your perceptions matter
• You know yourself best

Practice this: When you feel confused, ask yourself what you would tell a friend in the same situation.

Keep Your Independence

Financial independence:

• Maintain your own bank account
• Keep some money saved separately
• Don't let them control all the finances

Social independence:

• Maintain friendships outside the relationship
• Don't let them isolate you from family
• Keep hobbies and interests that are yours alone

Setting Boundaries: Protecting Your Reality

What Boundaries Look Like

Examples:

• "I won't continue this conversation if you call me names"
• "I need time to think before discussing this further"
• "I don't agree with your version of events"
• "I won't apologize for having feelings"

How to Set Boundaries

Step 1: Decide what you will and won't accept Step 2: Communicate your boundary clearly Step 3: Follow through consistently Step 4: Take care of yourself when boundaries are crossed

When They Push Back

Expect them to:

• Test your boundaries
• Get angry or upset
• Try to make you feel guilty
• Escalate their behavior

Your response:

• Stay firm
• Don't explain or justify your boundaries
• Remove yourself if necessary
• Remember that their reaction proves you need the boundary

Scripts: What to Say When It Happens

When They Deny Something Happened

Instead of: "Yes you did! Don't you remember?" Try: "I remember it differently. Let's move on."

When They Call You Sensitive

Instead of: "I'm not being sensitive!" Try: "My feelings are important to me."

When They Blame You for Their Behavior

Instead of: "That's not fair! I didn't make you do that!" Try: "I'm not responsible for your actions."

When They Try to Confuse You

Instead of: "But you said..." (and then arguing about details) Try: "I'm not going to debate my own experience."

When They Get Angry at Your Boundaries

Instead of: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" Try: "I understand you're upset, but this boundary is important to me."

The "Gray Rock" Method

What It Is

The gray rock method means becoming as boring and unresponsive as a gray rock.

When to Use It

• When you can't avoid the person completely
• When they're trying to start an argument
• When leaving the relationship isn't safe yet
• When you need to protect your energy

How to Do It

Be:

• Boring in your responses
• Brief in your answers
• Emotionally flat
• Uninteresting to engage with

Example responses:

• "Okay"
• "I don't know"
• "Maybe"
• "Sure"

Why It Works

• Gaslighters feed off emotional reactions
• If you're boring, they may lose interest
• It protects your emotional energy
• It prevents giving them ammunition to use against you

When to Consider Professional Help

Signs You Need Support

• You feel confused about reality most of the time
• You've lost confidence in your own judgment
• You feel depressed or anxious regularly
• You're having trouble functioning in daily life
• You feel trapped or hopeless

Types of Help Available

Individual therapy:

• Trauma-informed counselors
• Cognitive behavioral therapy
• EMDR for trauma processing

Support groups:

• Domestic violence survivor groups
• Online support communities
• Peer counseling programs

Domestic violence services:

• Safety planning
• Legal advocacy
• Emergency shelter
• Financial assistance

How to Find Help

Free resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• Local domestic violence organizations
• Community mental health centers

Low-cost options:

• Sliding scale therapy
• University training clinics
• Community support groups
• Online therapy platforms

Safety Planning: Protecting Yourself

If You're Planning to Stay

Safety strategies:

• Have a code word with friends or family
• Keep important documents in a safe place
• Have emergency money saved
• Know where you can go if you need to leave quickly

If You're Planning to Leave

Prepare:

• Important documents (ID, birth certificate, social security card)
• Some money and credit cards
• Clothes and personal items
• Medications
• Phone numbers of supportive people

Safety considerations:

• Leaving can be the most dangerous time
• Have a safety plan before you leave
• Consider staying with friends, family, or a shelter
• Don't tell them you're leaving until you're safe

For Your Mental Health

Daily practices:

• Write in a journal
• Practice self-care
• Stay connected with supportive people
• Remember positive things about yourself

Emergency strategies:

• Have someone you can call anytime
• Know the signs when you need immediate help
• Have a plan for staying safe during crisis moments

How Relationships Can Heal (If Both People Are Willing)

What It Takes

From the gaslighter:

• Genuine acknowledgment of their behavior
• Commitment to change
• Willingness to go to therapy
• Consistent changed behavior over time

From you:

• Time to heal and rebuild trust
• Professional support
• Clear boundaries
• Honest assessment of whether change is real

Warning Signs of Fake Change

• They apologize but blame external factors
• They change temporarily then go back to old patterns
• They get angry when you don't immediately trust them
• They rush you to "get over it"

Signs of Real Change

• They take full responsibility without excuses
• They consistently respect your boundaries
• They go to therapy and work on themselves
• They understand healing takes time

Important: You are never required to stay and try to fix the relationship. Your safety and well-being come first.

Building Your Support Network

Who to Include

Trusted friends who:

• Listen without judgment
• Support your decisions
• Help you remember who you are
• Provide reality checks when you're confused

Family members who:

• Accept and support you
• Don't pressure you to stay or leave
• Offer practical help when needed
• Respect your boundaries

Professionals who:

• Understand domestic violence
• Help you heal from trauma
• Assist with safety planning
• Provide ongoing support

How to Build Support

Start small:

• Reconnect with one trusted person
• Join one support group
• Find one professional helper

Be patient:

• Rebuilding trust takes time
• Some relationships may need healing
• It's okay to start over with new people

Be selective:

• Not everyone needs to know everything
• Some people may not understand
• Choose people who make you feel stronger

Red Flags in Future Relationships

Early Warning Signs

• They seem "too good to be true"
• They want to move very fast
• They don't respect small boundaries
• They criticize your friends or family
• They have a "crazy ex" story
• They monitor your activities

Healthy Relationship Signs

• They respect your opinions even when they disagree
• They apologize when they make mistakes
• They support your independence
• They don't try to change you
• They listen to your concerns
• They respect your boundaries

Trust Your Instincts

Remember:

• Your gut feelings are usually right
• If something feels off, it probably is
• You don't need to give everyone the benefit of the doubt
• It's okay to end relationships that don't feel safe

---

Recovery and Healing

What to Expect

Early recovery (first few months):

• Confusion and self-doubt may continue
• You might miss the relationship sometimes
• Emotions may feel intense and unpredictable
• Daily tasks might feel overwhelming

Ongoing recovery (6 months to 2 years):

• Gradually trusting yourself more
• Feeling stronger and more confident
• Understanding what happened to you
• Building healthier relationships

Long-term healing (2+ years):

• Feeling secure in your own reality
• Having healthy boundaries
• Helping others who are going through similar experiences
• Living free from fear and confusion

Self-Care During Recovery

Daily self-care:

• Remind yourself of your worth
• Do things that make you happy
• Get enough sleep and eat well
• Move your body in ways that feel good

Weekly self-care:

• Spend time with supportive people
• Engage in hobbies you enjoy
• Practice relaxation techniques
• Review your progress and growth

Monthly self-care:

• Assess your healing journey
• Adjust your support plan as needed
• Celebrate your progress
• Set new goals for your well-being

Moving Forward: Life After Gaslighting

Rebuilding Self-Trust

Daily practices:

• Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings
• Notice when your instincts are right
• Make small decisions and trust your choices
• Celebrate when you stand up for yourself

Creating New Relationships

Take your time:

• You don't have to rush into new relationships
• It's okay to be single while you heal
• Focus on friendships first
• Learn to enjoy your own company

Know your worth:

• You deserve respect and kindness
• You don't have to earn love by being perfect
• Your needs and feelings matter
• You have the right to say no

Helping Others

When you're ready:

• Share your story with others who might need hope
• Volunteer with domestic violence organizations
• Support friends who are in difficult relationships
• Help raise awareness about emotional abuse

Remember: You don't have to help others until you're strong enough. Your healing comes first.

Emergency Resources

Immediate Help

If you're in physical danger: Call 911

24/7 Support:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988

Online Help

• TheHotline.org (live chat available)
• LoveIsRespect.org (for teens and young adults)
• NNEDV.org (National Network to End Domestic Violence)

Local Help

• Search "domestic violence help [your city]"
• Contact your local police department for resources
• Ask at hospitals, schools, or libraries for information
• Call 211 for local social services

Financial Help

• Local domestic violence organizations often provide emergency funds
• TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy families)
• SNAP (food assistance)
• Medicaid (healthcare)
• Housing assistance programs

Final Reminders

You Are Strong

• You survived gaslighting
• You're seeking information to help yourself
• You're taking steps to protect yourself
• You deserve credit for your courage

You Are Not Alone

• Millions of people have experienced what you're going through
• There are people who understand and want to help
• Recovery is possible
• Many people have rebuilt their lives after similar experiences

You Deserve Better

• You deserve relationships built on respect
• You deserve to trust your own thoughts and feelings
• You deserve kindness and understanding
• You deserve to feel safe and valued

You Have Options

• You don't have to stay in harmful relationships
• You can get help and support
• You can heal and rebuild your life
• You can trust yourself again

Remember: Your safety is the most important thing. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it.

References

Arabi, S. (2021). Becoming the narcissist's nightmare: How to devalue and discard the narcissist while supplying yourself. Thought Catalog Books.

Bonchay, A. M. (2017). It's not you, it's them: When people are more than selfish. Sabelian Press.

Carnes, P. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Health Communications.

Forward, S., & Frazier, D. (2020). Emotional blackmail: When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. William Morrow Paperbacks.

Hirigoyen, M. F. (2015). Stalking the soul: Emotional abuse and the erosion of identity. Helen Marx Books.

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023). What is gaslighting? Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023). Types of abuse. Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/

National Institute of Mental Health. (2022). Post-traumatic stress disorder. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd

Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people—and break free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life. Harmony Books.

Walker, L. E. (2016). The battered woman syndrome (4th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.

Author Note

This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, or medical advice. If you are experiencing domestic violence, emotional abuse, or are in crisis, please reach out to qualified professionals or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for immediate support and guidance.

The author acknowledges that experiences of abuse affect people of all genders, sexual orientations, ages, races, and backgrounds. While this article often uses "partner" language, the information applies to various types of relationships including dating, marriage, and other intimate partnerships.